In Her Own Time: Feeling Discouraged

It's time for another open and honest post.  It's been a while since I've posted anything other than an Olivia update (which this sort of is) or a recipe.  For the majority of the time lately I really have been doing very well.  I'm still seeing a counselor every 3-4 weeks.  I'm trying another medication to help with my depression and it hasn't kicked in all the way yet, but I'm managing and using a lot of my new coping skills. I haven't had any mornings that began with me in tears so bonus there.  I haven't had much of an issue with anxiety in the last couple of months and that has been such a relief (i.e. not thinking I'm dying because I'm having chest pains/can't breathe is nice).
So what's the problem?  It's this darn Olivia not sitting up thing.  Most of the time it doesn't bother me.  She's happy and growing.  It also felt like she was making rapid progress in her gross motor skills.  It sort of feels like things have slowed down a lot lately though.  I know that it's to be expected and I know that worrying doesn't help.  I'm not really worrying.  I'm just tired and frustrated.  Today was a physical therapy appointment and it just brought up a lot of stress I guess.  Her therapist has been trying everything he can think of.  He is very good with Olivia and he is trying so hard to help but he's at a loss now.  He's pretty much out of ideas.  I feel bad because I can see that he feels bad for not being able to "fix" this.  We can't figure out why she not only won't sit up, but often actively resists us when we to put her in that position.  I try every day to work with her.  I do everything her doctors and therapist say to do.  Usually I can keep my spirits up and remind myself of her progress but today it was just too much.  It's hard not to feel like a failure sometimes - like I am failing her somehow - and of course that's the last thing I want to do.
And I know people mean well, but I'm not finding my comfort in hearing, "She'll do it in her own time."  Or "Maybe she's just stubborn."  And, "At least she's healthy."  I know that the first two are probably true and that I should be thankful that she is healthy.  Believe me, I am so very thankful for her health and will never take it for granted.  I've also had, "Maybe she's just lazy."  For some reason that last one ticks me off a little.  I think I just take it a little too personally sometimes.  If you say one of these phrases to me I won't hate you (well, maybe the "lazy" one) so don't worry if you have or if you forget and say it later. 
I think part of it is that when she was 6 months old I told myself not to worry because surely by 9 months old she would be sitting up.  When she was 9 months old I told myself it was normal for preemies to be a little behind sometimes and that surely by the time she was a year old she would do it.  I was excited to start physical therapy because I thought that surely having a professional come in would make all the difference and they would know what to do.  Now she is 14 months old and has been doing physical therapy for months and she is doing so many things (that we never worked on in therapy) but just not sitting up!  I never would have imagined she would be this age and still not doing it. 
So yes, I know she'll do it in her own time and I know she's beautiful and healthy and happy and all that.  I'm just feeling down about it today.  I'm sure tomorrow I'll feel better about it and of course life will go on.  I'm amazingly blessed and I will choose to focus on that fact.  I just needed to emotionally throw up (Becky Holton-ism) on my readers for a moment and write it so I could work through my thoughts - so thanks! 


Anonymous said…
love you! dad
Stacia Hamidi said…
You are a wonderful mom! Thanks for feeling like you can share your frustrations. Thoughts and prayers going up for you and your beautiful Olivia.
Brenda Collins said…
You are wonderful! Hang in there...and keep telling yourself the logical stuff. Your heart will eventually listen. I get the worries, concerns, the long-term thoughts about what it will look like in the future -- I get it. It is awesome that you can accept that there are rough days and then you get up and do the best you can the next day.

She is so adorable and nice job mommy!
Amanda S. said…
It looks like you have tried a lot of things for Olivia, I haven't read your past posts so don't know if you have tried Chiropractic. If not possibly there may be something that bothers her in that position. If you have questions you are welcome to email me: You are a wonderful mom and are doing the best that you know for your daughter. Never give up!

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